Juggalo with No Direction Home
Earlier today, May 18th, an urban safety enforcement team from the Buster County Police Department raided a Hot Topic clothing and cultural scum accessory store at the Wayerberrie Shopping Mall complex in Mothren, Idaho after receiving multiple reports from various adjacent store owners and shoppers that seven face-painted protesters, officially confirmed as “Juggalos” upon Sherriff Ed-Mallory Kilroy’s arrival to the scene, were staging a sit-in at the rear of the store near the Super Mario Bros. tank-top clothing rack and studded accessory display.
The protesters, who reeked of human feces and a high-grade blend of ethyl gasoline and powder Gatorade, according to police, were initially deemed armed and dangerous, dressed in blood-stained wife-beaters and wielding bracelets covered in steel spikes, though were stated to be benign when task force officers realized that the spikes were simply made of a tacky plastic that was meant to serve as some kind of pathetic self-expression of individuality and vocalization of an emotionally tormented soul. As for the blood—it was simply corn syrup and red food-dye purchased earlier at a local Party City.
“They looked like savages jacked on methamphetamines,” Deputy Griff Murphy of the task force told reporters. “The tribal face paint and insane clown nonsense. The voice in my head kept whispering ‘trigger finger, Griff. Trigger finger.’”
After investigation, it was found that the Juggalos were in fact not holding a sit-in, but rather hanging out in the store from open to close because they had nowhere else to loiter without being accosted by passersby or mistaken as a marauding tribe of flesh-eating homeless lepers begging not for change, but attention.
“My life is a constant riot,” Mickey Numbskull, a 43-year-old Juggalo from Bismark, North Dakota stated. “We’re about love—my life is a riot of love.” After investigation, it was discovered that Mickey Numbskull was actually the Hot Topic store manager.
“I’ve always been misunderstood,” Michelle Gnarly-Hand said. Due to her weight estimate of 323 pounds, police first mistook Gnarly-Hand for several Juggalos huddled together in some kind of half-assed protective phalanx. “I work in the food court at the China 3 Lo-To-Go. I eat my lunch in the Hot Topic with Mickey Numbskull everyday. People come in and they understand me.”
Task force squad leader Miles Futch stated that he “initially believed the culprits to be on LSD” upon hearing the Insane Clown Posse song “Miracles” playing in the store, but later realized they were simply delusional by nature.
“A lot of people think my black contact [lenses] mean I’m on drugs,” 27-year-old Juggalo Shifty Porkchop said. “I tell them to look deeper. The guys at the sewage treatment plant—I work at a sewage treatment plant, they beat me up about it. They won’t go to Hot Topic, and I know that, so I go there.”
“I work here. I have a job, and it’s hard,” 13-year-old Notty Smurf-stomper told reporters. “I dropped out of high school when a stockroom position opened at ‘The Topic,’ and it’s been hard. Nobody understands me or my struggle. But ICP speaks to me.”
“Insane Clown Posse will write a song about this,” Mickey Numbskull said. “They care about us because we’re all a family. Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope are going to write a [explicit] song to tell the world our story.”
Marty-Arthur Cane, an officer of who has worked the task force for over 14 years, was taken away for psychological evaluation after complaining of “chest pains” he was receiving due to the song “Chop Chop Slide” playing in the store.
“My kids are 15 and 17-years-old,” Futch said, “but I’ll be damned if they ever frequent the Wayerberrie again without me or my wife’s supervision.”
“I’m Juggalo for life,” Michelle Gnarly-Hand said. “Make sure you write ‘4 Life.’ Not ‘for.’ The number’s bigger than the word.”
Pure comedy but it could be 100% true